Plan a trip to visit your family. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. That an entire day together isnt enough? The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Its just simple, smart, communication! I can understand both sides. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. ReginaRey Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? SpaceySteph January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. bluesunday Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Well. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. ele4phant Gah what is that. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. ReginaRey Thatll probably shut them up. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. allathian Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Could that be why theyve been there so much? Tell him youre staying home this weekend. BGM never agrees with the woman. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. I have friends who are engaged and live together. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? LW real advice. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. Im torn. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. What about visiting your parents? Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. She should say something about it to the BF at least. definitely not enough information here. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. The LW may be overreacting. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. Will you LWs simply never learn? its a really exciting time for your relationship! At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. . Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Same goes for his family out in Queens. Then you may just be spending too much time together. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. Pretty much. Two things.. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. . He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. ele4phant Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. If not, you need to sort this out. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Yeah.. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. I know many families like this. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Ok, fine, I do this. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. He lived 4.5 hours away. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. Really? artsielady. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. I think I need more info. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. Its hard not knowing when a passing will Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. Not normal. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. CottonTheCuteDog IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. maybe im misunderstanding you. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. 03/07/2022 08:00. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. You do like to see people you love, right? So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. GatorGirl During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? Not youre wrong and you have to change. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. 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