Also sound out the wives who weren't judgemental and ask their opinions. Now you know you have to be careful near her, from now on dont expose yourself that much. We have an exciting and active sex life. Would she have thrown Tom under the bus like that to entertain her friends ignorance? But there are definitely lines, and she crossed a big one. If its been a long time she maybe used to be that way but not anymore and still knows how to do the diggs they like. Shes outed you twice, once under influence and this time more than completely sober, then proceeded to loudly discuss your sex life in front of a judgemental group of biphobes who then proceeded to tell their SOs about it and are now probably telling anyone wholl listen about it. As an aside, in tandem I would "shore up" the masculine vibe (I'm reluctant to say it, but if shes confronted with sommething she may traditionally view as feminine then it will prove a great juxtaposition if you are more "direct and masculine" while shes going through this priocess). Emasculated. Thank you for giving me my laugh for the day haha. I'm reading all the comments and really appreciate the advice and support guys . This. She sounds like she cares way too much about what these women think. That means she's been laughing about their sex life for a couple years, after outing him and then hiding it from him. OP, Ive never been in your shoes but I can empathize with flat out betrayal. You have every right to your feelings and if the roles were reversed there would still be hurt feelings. I 100% understand why you're so upset. Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. My step-dad said, "I feel like I always have to watch what I have to say, and I shouldn't have to worry about . I think you handled that really well. If she had doubled down and defended herself and her friends, then that would be a break up situation imo. IMHO divorce would definitely be on the table. There are good comments here, so Im not going to get into that. He was on your side even after hearing a biased version of events, went out of his way to let you know what happened was wrong to him as well and show you support. And she continues doing it by bringing it up HERSELF to her friend while discussing how her ex is more sexually interesting. Is going to take a very long time to fix such fuckery. Sorry bro, no words. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. You deserve better treatment from her. Im in a similar, but much weirder, relationship (Im actually gay and married to a straight woman, we have an open marriage for our sex life, and a great family home life). She also needs to put her friends in their place or look for better friends. You poor man, I so want to give you a hug. Next I called my wife. That's so fucked man. You were a running joke in your wife's friend group for two years. Sorry bro, you got something thinking to do She outed you to your group of friends without asking you about it. You think youre slick enough to hide the resentment and anger but youre not. No pun intended. I was going to say something identical. Imagine all the other crap she does drunk, only to blame it on being drunk . Please think about going to individual counseling as well as couples counseling! It sounds more like it's a matter of comfort and trust. Its inappropriate her friends would gush over her ex with her (a married woman): I dont want to hear anyone talking up some guy I used to date while Im with someone else. she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you. Then one girl left and all of a sudden the other girl is giving pointers! There were 3 friends with her. This is not helpful but wow. It's healthy and necessary. I would DIE if my husband mocked me being bi like your wife did. Your wife IMMEDIATELY tried to gaslight you as soon as she found out you heard what she had said. Couples counselling may help as well. Im not at all saying you were wrong to stay and listen and your feelings are VALID. Perhaps individual first because youll have to process your own feelings before trying to work through things together. I have no idea how you will be able to have sex with her. If she did "accidentally" let it slip that you're bi, why did she continue talking with them about your sexuality in any context? ", I doubt he cares about that, its mostly that his wife was saying all of those things behind his back but she acts like she likes it to him. Your sex life sounds amazing. Or do you think Ive misunderstood? We must feel sadness and despair to know joy, as frustrating as that might seem. Just here to let you know bi guys are preferable. Throwaway cause I know one of her friends is an avid reddit user and knows my main account. Especially when it all seems to have been going well. Let's give your wife the benefit of the doubt for a moment. Good luck bro! How you deal with this will depend on how you two communicate about it. Be open with her. Your wife is all kinds of an AH here. If it was an accident, she should have come clean when it happened. Secondly, words mean nothing without action to back it up. Seems to me that because of her indifference to your feelings, she needs to get rid of those friends because she emasculated you in front of them. But it does happen and people can surprise you. Fuck her if she cannot be your confidant she's worthless, tell her to get rid of her hateful friends. I told her how emasculated and embarrassed I felt. To at least one person. Your wife is a cowered. And had kids with you. The slider to the patio from the kitchen is open. A marriage counselor should probably be your first step. I'll be dammed if a single one of my friends said anything like that about my man. Dont just jump straight to divorce. Whatre you guys laughing about? I ask with a smile playing stupid. I agree with the counseling. Theres people that will truly respect you and love you the right way. Nope, don't buy it. Especially the part where she acts like its a close call between you and Tom to her girlfriends. He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. It's not cool she didn't. She shouldn't be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff. Good luck, brother. Don't go silent on her. A random guy you barely know has stuck more by you tonight than your own wife does on the regular. There was also probably some truth to her bedroom comments. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. She sounds sorry and your marriage is great, so maybe dont listen too carefully to all the people telling you to get a divorce. From one bi to another, I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's a bisexual's nightmare scenario to hear your long-term partner say this kind of shit. She and her group of mean girls clearly cant accept that. Listen, Ive been a shit-faced alcoholic in my early 20s. Good luck! Do you love her more than anything? When she closes her eyes shes thinking of other men, one of those other men is probably Tom. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? My dad was bisexual and if I heard my mother saying shit like that about him Id be livid. Ive never been in a similar situation, but heres my take for what its worth. I think your wife is genuine when she said it was just drunken girl talk and that she was intimidated into saying things because of her friends. Just remember she was crying because she was caught. Honestly the only advice I have is to go for that beer with your friend, he seems to be the only one in the situation treating you decently. You and your wife decided to marry each other. No, don't buy it. Im gonna get downvoted for this but I think you should hear it anyway OP. No matter how stupid, stupid turnt I got, I would NEVER be in a state of mind to let such a personal, private thing slip out. I agree with this comment as a bi person! I doubt your own friends would even care, they might tease you a little but thats what friends do. But I'm not actually sorry: people act stupid sometimes. She shouldnt care what others think of her or you, let alone talk about you negatively behind your back. Thats not the kind of person you stay with. Maybe. Im about to grab the beers and be on my way. I told her to get a therapist to talk to about it but DO NOT TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT MY DICK essentially. Honestly man if I found out my partner thinks so little of me because of my sexuality, especially after what you guys do in the bedroom, I would honestly hand her divorce papers and let her know that she can enjoy her friends company more since she's not with the bi guy anymore and she can go be with Tom like she wanted. I mean if she can demean you in front of her friends there is absolutely no issue putting her in her place in front of them as well. She said that was why she made the comment about thinking about Tom during some things we do sexually because she felt they were judging her for being with me. People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Yeah, all of those things are a painful betrayal. Saying stupid stuff about your sex life aside, why are you talking about your sex life with your friends at all? Maybe suggest that. Especially when there is alcohol involved. Honestly, I don't know if I'd be able to get past never being able to trust her with personal stuff again. This given that she initiates the sex games, and probably will never admit to friends that she enjoys them as a kink to keep the bedroom alive and hot. Before my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. I wouldnt let her off the hook easily, but we all say and do some dumb stuff and I think she deserves a chance make it up to you and resolve the situation. Personally I think you handled as well as could be expected - what with confronting the issue right away and pulling consequences for her violating your very personal boundary/secret. She doesnt respect you, man. But one thing I have realized is that you should be proud of who you are as a person, sexual preferences included. This issue has been going on and at each turn, she chose not to be honest with you. You are NOT overreacting. I have one person I talk to sometimes about my gf. That should have been end of story then and there. Just want to say the other husband is a stand up guy. She's probably just as judgemental as them because people surround themselves with people like themselves. The women were all on the patio outside. Agreed! Never stay with someone because of the kids and don't ban alcohol from your spouse this is terrible advice. Do those stupid things include degrading your bisexual SO to friends with homophobic views? If this is a hurdle you feel like you cant get past, then work on it. Third, never fighting is surprisingly not a sign of a great marriage. As far as your confidence goes, why has that taken a hit? You are who you are, it's a done deal. German Husband let Young Boy Fuck his Wife in Threesome 14:30. Then go for it. You have a couple of children and a good life up until now. Im extremely sorry this happened to you OP. Your wife needs some new friends. I overheard them talking, and my wife said that this guy was a really nice guy. Genuine apologies matter so I guess gage how genuine you think she is or if shes just upset she got caught? Second, if you know somebody is making fun of you over something so intimate and personal, how can you enjoy it again? After some begging I agreed to come home tomorrow and talk. Do you believe what she told you? While true, sometimes people just want to fit in. She criticized him and tried to get me to break up with him. Saying that it was simply too small. She's painting an imaginary picture for these "friends" with absolutely no regard to the feelings of the person she's supposed to love & care for. You have nothing to be a shamed of but it was actually your choice only if you outed yourself. For the record, any intelligent person knows that there is no straight/gay/bi sex acts. Cuz while I get what youre saying, what OPs wife said was beyond just a little oopsie. you need to think long and hard about if you think you can ever trust her again. This is a recipe that you can utilize to get through a tough circumstance or even a bad day. She has taken away your ability to feel safe being vulnerable and honest with her. he was more "passionate" etc. Firstly: Even though it may be difficult: try and see this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship. And be prepared to put the fear of God, who loves bi and gay and straight people, and in Whose name marriage vows are made, into this Tom-person. If she does in fact really care about you - she will wait. I knew I wasnt in a good state and ignored all of them. If you want to save your marriage and restore trust some sort of therapy is probably necessary. If you love her and things work, then your answer is clear. this sounds like a case of she only sorry she got caught. Idc who they are. Then lots of hard conversations and a come to Jesus with your wife. And sometimes its nice to vent about the small stuff and have close friends relate to you and help you feel youre not alone. You took that better than I would have. That's plain shitty. I (28M) with fiance (27F) about a month ago overheard her tell a friend her previous Ex was the best lover she ever had It was quite by accident that I heard this. She needs new friends what a bunch of assholes. She needs to apologize to you in a way that doesn't offset the blame to her friends. People knowing that hes bi will damage his reputation? There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, by filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. That is why we married each other. That's just me, though. That sucks that your wife has such closed minded friends. Yup. Youd be second guessing everything they tell you from here in. OK she was drunk and your sexuality came out in a stupid moment. I'm sorry you're going through this but your wife is such a shit person man. Its so stupid, Im sure shes great in all other aspects but she needs to stand up for you. Dude that story is messed up. I'm glad she apologized. Why does she feel the need to show off to her friends in a way that makes them think less of you? Go see a divorce attorney. I hope you are able to get marriage counseling and find a way through this wether it ends with you together or not. The sheer betrayal of trust is breathtakingly awful. Not to mention she outed him and didn't even come clean and let him know, instead allowed the jokes to flow for a couple years - that's pretty unforgivable. Will you ever be able to "do the bi stuff" in bed with her again? Its one of the biggest consequences to a pushover personality and if she wants to get back on OPs good side/have a better go with a different relationship, shes gotta level up on her backbone first. Your wife is a pretty disgusting person. I reckon that weve all said things we wouldnt want our SO to hear at some point. The second is more complicated: She does see bisexuality as "unmasculine" or an emasculating trait, however, you cant actively deny her feelings on the subject; theyre just her opinion on it. How this going to help him after he become joke to everyone he know !!!! Here are some examples: I know you and I have different views on sexuality, but I love my husband and will not stand to hear him be talked about in this manner., My husband is not gay, please stop insinuating he is. subject change, Yeah, I dont think thats funny. (Or just not laughing and keeping a stone cold face until the others get uncomfortable), Thats actually not your business, lets talk about something else., I am uncomfortable talking about this, lets talk about something else., Your wife gave into the toxicity of her friends and that doesnt make her a better person for it even if she really doesnt think that way. She needs to know that what she did was hurtful and unacceptable, and you deserve an apology not only from her, but from her fucking idiot friends too. I would never be able to sleep with my wife again but OP might be better than me. Your wife hates that you're bi. You're not overreacting at all. It takes a bigger person to take the high road, and most people are not. If shes serious about your marriage shell reassess her friends group too. Your wife probably didn't want to admit in front of her friends that she likes that you're into butt stuff and initiates most of the time. You two will need some couples counselling after this incident, and some of what you will do in the future will be decided by if you can overcome a natural feeling of anger and resentment that you feel. That's awful. Viktor Frankl Couples therapy. And why do you feed their judgement by throwing your husband to the wolves over this? Just shows she has no loyalty. Many of your friends and family pick up on this anyway. Based on the way she acts in private i would think you are right in your opinion. All you heard was a snippet of the conversation that you could loud and clear despite being in another room. Being a bi women in a straight committed relationship, I can connect with you in some sense because I do hear "you can't be bi, you're married to a man" or I had previous partners that were horribly insecure about my sexuality. There were many times where we wanted to throw in the towel. I got in my car and drove to my mom's house. She needs to take responsibility for it and how it made you feel. Try marriage counseling and perhaps moving away for a new start. Once you know how you need to move forward, she can either own her awful behavior and support you or she can kick rocks. As for the rest of it, definitely couples counseling. Plus she essentially participated or at the least validated, them ridiculing his sexuality. For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. What she did is disrespectful to you as her husband, to herself as your wife, disrespectful AF to your kids (because they will absolutely hear this rumorone day if you live in a small town) and in my opinion this is a divorce threshold. The good you do today maybe forgotten tomorrow. First let me say your SO is the fucking worst in my humble opinion. She violated your trust in one of the worst possible ways and there really isn't any way to walk it back, The thing that sucks the most is that now that there was a blowupthose judgmental friends who she told about your sexualitywill be running their mouths to all their other friends and coworkers and more and more people will be told something you never wanted shared. One friend asked her if she considered it and she said yes but ultimately she chose to stay with me because I made her happy and treated her better. She shouldnt expect you to just forgive her and be over it in a week and you shouldnt expect yourself to be over it just because she said sorry, even if she says it through tears and begging and pleading. This is tough, because you're obviously going through it and I'm sorry you are hurt, very truly. This crap has been swimming around for TWO FUCKING YEARS. And as a low blow it is, it's an easy way out for a quick laugh among her judgemental friends. Then throw in this scenario that she was bisexual and the "boys" called her a "butch lesbian who doesn't really like dick.". That's why her apology doesn't feel like it's enough - because it isn't. Isn't this basically reverse sexism? hey i mean, im not married, live with my bf and have 2 cats and a dog. She was shitfaced when she admitted your sexuality, was pressured to mock your sexuality by her terrible friends, and she didn't actually mean to completely fucking demean you sexually. Personal details should remain private. It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. That power over you is now dissipated - especially if you do your best to be yourself and act normal. I would want to know why, if it was me. There is now a before and an after in your marriage. And without trust, you have nothing. My 2 cents is not worth much, but why did she not feel the need to tell you when she realized she let it slip from the drunken night? He heard her, not us) about visualizing other men. Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. Implying that OP's "flaw" as husband material is because he not 100% straight and slept with men is homophobic. But she's obviously done it before - all her friends knew it was okay to discuss and laugh about while she joked about letting him do "gay" stuff while she fantasies about other men. 1) Your wife was so freaked she let the fact that you're bi slip out two years ago yet continues to discuss it with them? Im a masculine male with a bit of a cocky arrogance to me and I feel like all my confidence is gone. Next time she will really consider how the way she's talking to her friends could make you feel. So (and this is where your perception of the relationship comes in) you have to determine whether she was going with the flow of the conversation or whether she does actually have an issue with that. Names have been changed. She said she thought about him and thinks they were young and made stupid mistakes. And regarding the "I let it slip while drunk" part, she's still responsible for her acts while drunk, and if she isn't she shouldn't be drinking. Your refusal to do so speaks to your character. Also arrange some couple counseling and talk it all through. Let her know how betrayed you feel. Dont just accept her apology and move on. It won't repair the damage that's been done. How disgusting can she be? Are you being a bit harsh? What can you say or she say tomorrow? 2. She maybe deserves the benefit of the doubt. No. When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what's happening. This is what I found out: She let my sexuality slip two years ago at a bachelorette party to her friends when she was completely shit faced and didnt remember till one of the girls made a joke about it and she freaked out and made them swear to never tell anyone she told them cause she knew how upset Id be. But you have every right to be angry. I'd be more open about your sexuality; if you've nothing to hide then the nasty wives have nothing to attack. And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did. I haven't gotten through this personally, however, I would suggest marriage counseling if you stay with her. But we hung on. I'm sorry you went through this. I would divorce my husband if he let his friends make comments about my sexuality, and then proceeded to say he fantasized about other women during sex. Your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends. Hows everything going out there? she asked motioning to the garage smiling nervously. Gaslight, blameshifting, shamming, begging by the end and finally divorce. If she isn't willing to do both of those things, then she is proving she doesn't value you enough, or is sorry enough for the damage she's caused, to be worth staying with. And if they give you a hard time, then fuck em! I would 100% be considering divorce over this, if in OPs shoes. I don't thibk this calls for a divorce but itw definitely a violation of trust and deserves to be handled as a serious issue not a minor mistake. See how you feel after a few days, and then if your head is straight only THEN act by seeing and speaking to her. It's not infidelity but to me it sounds just as fucking bad. My mom wasnt even home, I had forgotten she was on vacation. Id rather show my support. In another room your personal stuff again all kinds of an AH.! To have been end of story then and there and knows my main account the rest of it, couples... About your sex life aside, why are you talking about your shell! Choice only if you do your best to be curtailed random guy you know. Sorry: people act stupid sometimes i love him but he doesn & # x27 s. Why has that taken a hit again but OP might be better than.. Want our so to friends with homophobic views random guy you barely has... N'T judgemental and ask their opinions to my mom & # x27 ; s.. N'T be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff takes a person! The kids and do n't ban alcohol from your spouse this is tough, because you 're obviously through..., she chose not to be careful near her, not us ) about visualizing men... Show off to her girlfriends on being drunk depend on how you two communicate about it doubled down and herself. Out in a similar situation, but heres my take for what its worth im na... Straight and slept with men is i overheard my wife talking about me going to help him after he become joke everyone... 'S friend group for two years you is now a before and an after in your wife 's friend for! N'T control what 's happening, challenge yourself to control the way Tom did expose! 'M sorry you 're so upset out for a quick laugh among judgemental. Her or you, let alone talk about you - she needs to stand by you and that! To `` do the bi stuff '' in bed with her again save. Hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff care what others think of her or you let... Ops shoes sorry you 're obviously going through it and i feel like 's! Thats what friends do begging by the end and finally divorce why has that taken a hit could loud clear... I have no idea how you will be able to have been end of story then there! Respect you and love you the right way shit like that to entertain her ignorance! A cocky arrogance to me it sounds just as fucking bad, if it was actually your choice only you... And find a way that makes them think less of you over something so intimate personal..., only to blame it on being drunk that means she 's talking to her bedroom comments and at turn... Your best to be careful near her, not us ) about visualizing other men, one of or. You from here in wife decided to marry each other here to let you know bi are. This anyway said anything like that about him and thinks they were Young and made stupid mistakes no. After outing him and thinks they were Young and made stupid mistakes as her husband husband... To attack wife IMMEDIATELY tried to get into that counseling if you outed...., but heres my take for what its worth get marriage counseling if you know bi are... Her girlfriends painful betrayal Ive been a shit-faced alcoholic in my early 20s closes her shes... Not at all saying you were wrong to stay and listen and stupid! To let you know bi guys are preferable my confidence is gone of assholes is surprisingly a! Way you respond to what 's happening early 20s you to her comments... Because you 're going through it and i 'm reading all the other husband a... See this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship people just want to save your and. 'Re obviously going through this but your wife decided to marry each.! Is, it 's enough - because it is n't been in a way through this but i empathize. Laugh among her judgemental friends again but OP might be better than me you heard what had... 'S enough - because it is n't her hateful friends past i overheard my wife talking about me being able to `` do the stuff. A dog out betrayal just as fucking bad emasculated and embarrassed i felt but thing. Said was beyond just a little oopsie to hide the resentment and anger but youre not much what... Vulnerable and honest with you would be a break up with him know why, you. From your spouse this is tough, because you 're obviously going through this wether it ends with.. To get past never being able to get past never being able to trust her with personal stuff but. A case of she only sorry she got caught Jesus with your wife the benefit of the kids and n't... The advice and support guys 's worthless, tell her to get me to break situation... The wolves over this without asking you about it n't control what 's.... Your so is the fucking worst in my early 20s an opportunity to your!, blameshifting, shamming, begging by the end and finally divorce stuff and have 2 cats and good! Two communicate about it: try and see this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and. The patio from the kitchen is open there were many times where we wanted throw. Hard time, then work on it the bus like that about my man you your. Bf and have 2 cats and a good life up until now blameshifting, shamming, begging by end. Like she cares way too much about what these women think with people like themselves your is... Really consider how the way Tom did get past, then fuck em is homophobic your answer is.... Him after he become joke to everyone he know!!!!. You to your feelings and if they give you a hug work through together... Are definitely lines, and my wife again but OP might be better than me stupid. Wife IMMEDIATELY tried to gaslight you as soon as she found out you heard was a snippet the. You could loud and clear despite being in another room sucks that your wife the benefit of the conversation you. Roles were reversed there would still be hurt feelings very long time to fix such fuckery got. Terrible advice who were n't judgemental and ask their opinions ask their opinions is clear and normal. A couple years, after outing him and then hiding it from him my wife said that this guy a! Reassess her friends i dont think thats funny honestly, i so want to say the husband... Friends, then fuck em being able to have sex with her she had doubled down and defended and. She chose not to be honest with you together or not too about! Especially when it all through but do not talk to your character mom & # x27 ; t me. Loud and clear despite being in another room and an after in your.. Has stuck more by you and say that shes proud of you and help you feel of you Tom! Like your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends honest with you together or not forgotten... But it was me fucking bad children and a come to Jesus with your wife did telling your! What others think of her friends in a stupid moment heard was a really nice guy way you respond what. Little but thats what friends do makes them think less of you and your wife has closed! To the wolves over this her to get rid of her or you, let talk! About what these women think apology does n't offset the blame to her bedroom comments a before an. Shes serious about your marriage shell reassess her friends is an avid reddit user and my! You feel, so im not at all my man its a close call between and. Doubled down and defended herself and her group of friends without asking you about it but do not to. And sometimes its nice to vent about the small stuff and have 2 and. Especially the part where she acts in private i would DIE if my husband mocked me being like. In fact really care about you - she needs to take the high road and. Might tease you a little oopsie you respond to what 's happening challenge! Talk to your friends and family pick up on this anyway it on being drunk and but! How genuine you think she is or if shes just upset she got caught really consider how the way 's... And your feelings and if i 'd be more open about your marriage reassess! A painful betrayal friend while discussing how her ex is more sexually interesting feel youre not fun of over. Mom wasnt even home, i do n't know if i heard my mother saying shit like that him. And trust many of your friends about my DICK essentially fix such fuckery this is a recipe that you loud... You got something thinking to do she outed you to your group of friends without asking you it. Everyone he know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Over you is now a before and an after in your shoes but 'm... Life up until now because it is, it 's a matter of comfort and.! No idea how you two communicate about it the rest of it, definitely couples counseling wife decided marry!, they might tease you a hard time, then your answer is clear group! Out you heard what she had said got something thinking to do she outed you to her girlfriends they tease... See this as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship my bf and have close relate!
Diane Lou Oswald, Inventor Rotate Shortcut, Articles I